I am being tortured!!!

I have been trying for days to tell our neighbors that I'm being tortured. I admit that my puppy fur is falling out, and it looks, well, a tad scruffy. But does Rarf really think she's going to get all of the mats out of my fur??? Have you seen some of these "dematting tools"? They have nasty, big pointed teeth! Are these anything you would use on someone you love? Oh sure, Rarf keeps saying that this is just to make me feel better. But seriously, is this necessary? I'm not a show dog: I'm a run-in-the-woods-swim-in-the-river dog. If I could talk, I'd tell Rarf that the big black dogs who worked loyally by their owners' sides in Newfoundland were probably full of mats---and completely happy. Would someone please bring her to her senses?